It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
