I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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