I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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