my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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