Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
i need some magic done to my vagina
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Randomize
