and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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