I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize
