dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
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