I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
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