i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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