Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
