so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
