he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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