who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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