The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
