I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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