im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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