this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
