How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I can't trust your balls anymore.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
