Can i not drive my cunt home
you mean i was at the winter classic?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
