Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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