i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
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