dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Randomize
