arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
