i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
