we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
