I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
