My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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