i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Who died my cat blue again?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
