OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
