Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
