That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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