I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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