I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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