i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
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