If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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