Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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