Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
