No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
