i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
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