just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
