yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
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