Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
