my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Who died my cat blue again?
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