Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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