Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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