I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
