I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
My bed smells like the plague
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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