bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
