He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Randomize